G.r...I...e.f.
"Where have I been?"
Right here, smack dab in the middle of g.r...I..e.f!
"Shannon, are you okay?"
(Thank you, by the way, for being one of those dear souls who've reached out over the past couple months. You know who you are. I appreciate YOU.)
No, I'm not okay, and I couldn't even tell you that I wasn't because speaking about it made me feel so much worse!
It's like that time when you felt so tired that you couldn't even keep your eyelids from closing because they felt so heavy that darkness completely overtook you. Yeah, it was kinda like that, except my eyes were wide open.
Being silent seems to bring up questions for everyone. Concerns. Worry. Feelings that something's not okay.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes "okay" isn't even okay!
However, sometimes silence is necessary, and it's not only okay to be quiet but it's absolutely essential.
It's required to feel the pain that's so often hidden in the shadow of a whole lot of words, motion, commotion, and emotion.
Ever since the loss of both my parents in a very tragic, "lives-ending" car accident on February 17, 2016...my grief journey has taken me to places I never dreamed I'd visit. Ever.
Darkness. Darker than I'd ever thought dark could be or become.
It's like that nightmare that you've had where someone's chasing you, but although you're running, you're not moving...and you can't speak, even though you're trying to yell for help...as your teeth are falling out...and there's nothing you can do about it.
Until you wake up and realize that it was all a really bad dream!
Yeah, it was like that, except there was no waking up, and thank God my teeth didn't fall out.
It was the first time in my life that I had no words to explain how I was feeling, and couldn't speak...nor did I want to.
So, where have I been? THIS is where I've been for the past several weeks!
But it wasn't always this way.
You see, after my parents died I found that talking about it helped release the very painful feelings I was experiencing. Kinda like a wound that provides a way for the blood to flow out.
My heart was pierced so deeply, and the only way the pain could escape was through my words. Sharing somehow made me feel better, even when "better" still hurt. A lot.
Hence the beginning of my daily shares on social media, facebook lives, and a daily podcast that now has over 1600 episodes and 1 Million (plus) downloads!
BUT...for some reason this year (in February) I came to the end of the road. A place where I had nowhere to go to escape the way I was feeling. A pain in my heart that not even "words" could soothe or make feel "better."
I had ran out of options to lessen my pain.
I realized that the only way through was through, and the only way IN was IN.
I guess you could call it a real life "dead end" with no "detour" (or distraction from feeling) in sight.
The old saying of "You can run, but you can't hide" suddenly took on a whole new meaning!
I could do nothing but "feel it." No one, nothing, and no amount of speaking could take the devastating pain away, or even change the intensity of it.
In fact, talking made it worse!
It was then that I reflected on the past 6 years and thought, perhaps "feeling" was never meant to make us feel "better." But instead, to help us feel. Better.
Even though I know that feeling's required for healing, I didn't know that this would also be the gateway into a profound revealing that I wasn't OK, and I didn't want to be OK. Ever. Again.
I couldn't speak about it.
This version of grief had no language to express itself. All I could do was be with it...and feel ALL of it.
No, I wasn't okay, and I had come to the end of "trying" to be okay.
So, I didn't. I simply sat in my darkness, sorrow, pain, heaviness, unhappiness, and despair.
I was present to myself.
I had finally gotten my attention.
It felt like when your best friend just lost her dear loved one, and you don't know what to say...so you simply sit with her and say nothing.
Although I've done this for many others, I had never really done this for myself.
So for weeks, I sat with myself. Holding this space of deep sadness. To be felt. Seen. Heard. Listened to, and eventually understood. (Thank God.)
I didn't care how long it would take, or know if the feeling would ever lift, all I knew was that I must honor HER — the one who had been hurting for so long.
(Again, to all of you who reached out to me during this time, as well as periodically throughout the past 6 years, your love, support, and words have NOT gone unnoticed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.)
That's exactly where I was...in the bottom of my heart.
Then one day, as I looked into the mirror and saw my eyes in the reflection, I said out loud, "I am so NOT happy."
I admitted it. Finally. To myself. Out loud.
It was in that moment when I began to receive a healing that's deeper than any healing I've experienced thus far in my life. It came directly from the profound discovery of ONE miraculous thing that's absolutely vital for ALL life and ALL healing.
That, my dear friends, is HOPE.
HOPE.
And guess what? It's NOT wishful thinking or something that we "try" to convince ourselves to do when we're scared or feeling lost, alone, and sad.
No, I'm talking about a power that's undeniable and unexplainable. One that guides and directs our present and future like the latest GPS does on our most remote road trips — the road less traveled.
Hope isn't what you think it is. And although I've been studying hope for decades, and thought I knew exactly what it was, IT WAS BIGGER THAN EVEN I IMAGINED IT WAS.
You see, I had missed a very subtle, but essential truth about hope!
In the days that quickly followed, God showed me that life is filled with "unexpecteds" that erode the most foundational part of HOPE. The glue that keeps it all together.
When this happens, our hearts are imprinted with a very believable "half truth" that corrupts the GPS system, and affects not only our direction, but our explanation and expectation of what's to come.
Ultimately altering our destination.
It's like a virus that changes the code of your hard drive, and no matter how hard you drive, everything becomes HARD.
Especially your heart.
Hard hearts become even more fragile and breakable, like cold taffy does during a Minnesota winter.
Even though we convince ourselves of what we want, or need, or "should" have to make us better, we are deceived.
We become trapped in a story that holds us AND our desires captive!
True HOPE holds the key to our happiness and health. Without it we can't see opportunity or fulfill our soul purpose. We also cannot fully engage in the life that we so desperately seek.
As I looked into my eyes that day, I recognized the look of the one staring back at me.
It was the look of one who had began to hope...LESS...and unless she was willing to stand up and get her hopes up again, she would never fully heal.
She was not only willing, but she was committed to seeing the painful truth and possibilities that had been hidden so deeply in the dark, that even she — The Queen of Hope — had become misled and misunderstood (by herself.)
Ever since that moment my life hasn't been the same. Thank God!
My healing has been profound.
My hope is at an all-time high, and now I can say what I need to say.
My grief is over...
I know this doesn't mean that I won't ever feel sadness, as I still miss my parents deeply, but I'll be feeling with a newfound sense of HOPE and positive expectation that will take me through every circumstance, condition, emotion, and/or location...to my destination.
And I WILL NOT lose hope!
Now I can't stop talking about what I've discovered...
THIS experience has literally changed my life, and is already changing the lives of those I've shared it with.
I received this message the other day: "So you need to add me to your list of clients who have had massive breakthrough from your last teaching. It is literally mind boggling how just a small shift can open so much up!"
To say I'm grateful doesn't even begin to explain the way I'm feeling (and healing) right now.
Thank you, God!
And thank YOU for being here. I hope you found something of value today while reading this very personal story of my healing in grief. Be encouraged and get your hopes up, dear soul!
You are not alone, and the process of feeling is SO WORTH your healing...
xo Dr. Shannon
Right here, smack dab in the middle of g.r...I..e.f!
"Shannon, are you okay?"
(Thank you, by the way, for being one of those dear souls who've reached out over the past couple months. You know who you are. I appreciate YOU.)
No, I'm not okay, and I couldn't even tell you that I wasn't because speaking about it made me feel so much worse!
It's like that time when you felt so tired that you couldn't even keep your eyelids from closing because they felt so heavy that darkness completely overtook you. Yeah, it was kinda like that, except my eyes were wide open.
Being silent seems to bring up questions for everyone. Concerns. Worry. Feelings that something's not okay.
Sometimes it's not.
Sometimes "okay" isn't even okay!
However, sometimes silence is necessary, and it's not only okay to be quiet but it's absolutely essential.
It's required to feel the pain that's so often hidden in the shadow of a whole lot of words, motion, commotion, and emotion.
Ever since the loss of both my parents in a very tragic, "lives-ending" car accident on February 17, 2016...my grief journey has taken me to places I never dreamed I'd visit. Ever.
Darkness. Darker than I'd ever thought dark could be or become.
It's like that nightmare that you've had where someone's chasing you, but although you're running, you're not moving...and you can't speak, even though you're trying to yell for help...as your teeth are falling out...and there's nothing you can do about it.
Until you wake up and realize that it was all a really bad dream!
Yeah, it was like that, except there was no waking up, and thank God my teeth didn't fall out.
It was the first time in my life that I had no words to explain how I was feeling, and couldn't speak...nor did I want to.
So, where have I been? THIS is where I've been for the past several weeks!
But it wasn't always this way.
You see, after my parents died I found that talking about it helped release the very painful feelings I was experiencing. Kinda like a wound that provides a way for the blood to flow out.
My heart was pierced so deeply, and the only way the pain could escape was through my words. Sharing somehow made me feel better, even when "better" still hurt. A lot.
Hence the beginning of my daily shares on social media, facebook lives, and a daily podcast that now has over 1600 episodes and 1 Million (plus) downloads!
BUT...for some reason this year (in February) I came to the end of the road. A place where I had nowhere to go to escape the way I was feeling. A pain in my heart that not even "words" could soothe or make feel "better."
I had ran out of options to lessen my pain.
I realized that the only way through was through, and the only way IN was IN.
I guess you could call it a real life "dead end" with no "detour" (or distraction from feeling) in sight.
The old saying of "You can run, but you can't hide" suddenly took on a whole new meaning!
I could do nothing but "feel it." No one, nothing, and no amount of speaking could take the devastating pain away, or even change the intensity of it.
In fact, talking made it worse!
It was then that I reflected on the past 6 years and thought, perhaps "feeling" was never meant to make us feel "better." But instead, to help us feel. Better.
Even though I know that feeling's required for healing, I didn't know that this would also be the gateway into a profound revealing that I wasn't OK, and I didn't want to be OK. Ever. Again.
I couldn't speak about it.
This version of grief had no language to express itself. All I could do was be with it...and feel ALL of it.
No, I wasn't okay, and I had come to the end of "trying" to be okay.
So, I didn't. I simply sat in my darkness, sorrow, pain, heaviness, unhappiness, and despair.
I was present to myself.
I had finally gotten my attention.
It felt like when your best friend just lost her dear loved one, and you don't know what to say...so you simply sit with her and say nothing.
Although I've done this for many others, I had never really done this for myself.
So for weeks, I sat with myself. Holding this space of deep sadness. To be felt. Seen. Heard. Listened to, and eventually understood. (Thank God.)
I didn't care how long it would take, or know if the feeling would ever lift, all I knew was that I must honor HER — the one who had been hurting for so long.
(Again, to all of you who reached out to me during this time, as well as periodically throughout the past 6 years, your love, support, and words have NOT gone unnoticed. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.)
That's exactly where I was...in the bottom of my heart.
Then one day, as I looked into the mirror and saw my eyes in the reflection, I said out loud, "I am so NOT happy."
I admitted it. Finally. To myself. Out loud.
It was in that moment when I began to receive a healing that's deeper than any healing I've experienced thus far in my life. It came directly from the profound discovery of ONE miraculous thing that's absolutely vital for ALL life and ALL healing.
That, my dear friends, is HOPE.
HOPE.
And guess what? It's NOT wishful thinking or something that we "try" to convince ourselves to do when we're scared or feeling lost, alone, and sad.
No, I'm talking about a power that's undeniable and unexplainable. One that guides and directs our present and future like the latest GPS does on our most remote road trips — the road less traveled.
Hope isn't what you think it is. And although I've been studying hope for decades, and thought I knew exactly what it was, IT WAS BIGGER THAN EVEN I IMAGINED IT WAS.
You see, I had missed a very subtle, but essential truth about hope!
In the days that quickly followed, God showed me that life is filled with "unexpecteds" that erode the most foundational part of HOPE. The glue that keeps it all together.
When this happens, our hearts are imprinted with a very believable "half truth" that corrupts the GPS system, and affects not only our direction, but our explanation and expectation of what's to come.
Ultimately altering our destination.
It's like a virus that changes the code of your hard drive, and no matter how hard you drive, everything becomes HARD.
Especially your heart.
Hard hearts become even more fragile and breakable, like cold taffy does during a Minnesota winter.
Even though we convince ourselves of what we want, or need, or "should" have to make us better, we are deceived.
We become trapped in a story that holds us AND our desires captive!
True HOPE holds the key to our happiness and health. Without it we can't see opportunity or fulfill our soul purpose. We also cannot fully engage in the life that we so desperately seek.
As I looked into my eyes that day, I recognized the look of the one staring back at me.
It was the look of one who had began to hope...LESS...and unless she was willing to stand up and get her hopes up again, she would never fully heal.
She was not only willing, but she was committed to seeing the painful truth and possibilities that had been hidden so deeply in the dark, that even she — The Queen of Hope — had become misled and misunderstood (by herself.)
Ever since that moment my life hasn't been the same. Thank God!
My healing has been profound.
My hope is at an all-time high, and now I can say what I need to say.
My grief is over...
I know this doesn't mean that I won't ever feel sadness, as I still miss my parents deeply, but I'll be feeling with a newfound sense of HOPE and positive expectation that will take me through every circumstance, condition, emotion, and/or location...to my destination.
And I WILL NOT lose hope!
Now I can't stop talking about what I've discovered...
THIS experience has literally changed my life, and is already changing the lives of those I've shared it with.
I received this message the other day: "So you need to add me to your list of clients who have had massive breakthrough from your last teaching. It is literally mind boggling how just a small shift can open so much up!"
To say I'm grateful doesn't even begin to explain the way I'm feeling (and healing) right now.
Thank you, God!
And thank YOU for being here. I hope you found something of value today while reading this very personal story of my healing in grief. Be encouraged and get your hopes up, dear soul!
You are not alone, and the process of feeling is SO WORTH your healing...
xo Dr. Shannon